The COVID LIMERICKS!

PAST ENTRIES

DAY 9 (27/3/20)

 

2 weeks cooped inside; let’s recap
We’ve given key workers the clap.
Me lady gardens twitchy,
Some days almost itchy,
I wish I was supple as a cat! 

Nicky Adams

2 weeks cooped inside; let’s recapWe’ve given key workers the clap.

My attire's looking tawdry,

Far from chic, I ain't no Audrey

Soon my crazy home-schooled kids'll make me snap!

Justine Taylor

2 weeks cooped inside; let’s recap

We’ve given key workers the clap.
I’ve drunk all the booze,
Done nothing but snooze,
and misplaced my waist and thigh gap!

Ali Bendall

2 weeks cooped inside; let’s recapWe’ve given key workers the clap.

The clap hit a crescent

Though quite evanescent,

So next week we'll call it a wrap.

Gareth Valentine

 

DAY 8 (26/3/20)

And the winner is....

Sam Burridge with:
In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online streaming that’s now been deployed
Celebs dancing and Zoom
I have not left the room
With no bog roll the carpet's destroyed!

With runners up:

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online steaming that’s now been deployed.
But I hope for good news,
To clear all the blues,
For my friends who have been self-employed.

Neil Rutherford

In truth I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed
I’m learning a song
With the Gareth Malone throng
My talents are being deployed 

Nicky Adams

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed
HouseParty and Zoom
Are having a boom
Live streams to lap up and avoid

Helen Power

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed. 
Now we're not desirous of catching this virus,
Our screens keep us less paranoid.

Dominic Taylor

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed.
Ive had a lovely old time
singing online
Even though I am now not employed!

Aimi Percival

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed.

When phones are confusing,

Kids find it amusing,

As parents just get more annoyed!

Ali Bendall

In truth, I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed.

Though I’ve sat on my but,

In a bit of a rut,

I’m sure to have more haemorrhoids.

Ali Bendall

In truth I have rather enjoyed
Online tech that has now been deployed
I was over the moon!

One must now wait til June

All because I am classed self employed

Alex Foster

 

DAY 7 (25/3/20)

And the winner is....

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
I plan to build later
A new ventilator
From screws, plastics bags and some ply!

Neil Rutherford

But for sheer volume, I'm awarding to  Ali Bendall For

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
After too much vermouth,
I tackled the roof,
Now from bed I can see the whole sky!

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
Without any thought
I’ve built a big fort - 
Which resembles more of a pig-stye!

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
My sanity’s gone
I’ve just paved the lawn
Now I can’t find the cat - I could cry! 

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
I keep on a-sneezing
So much to my pleasing
I’ve fashioned tissues out of ply!

Ali Bendall

Whilst at home all alone I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY
Flat pack looks quite easy
But now I feel queasy 
Me thinks I’ll go back to Qi

Caroline Reddish

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
Ikea was my go-to
But where is that damn screw?
It's time for a glass of white, dry.

Ben Papworth

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY.
Ikea was my go-to
But where is that damn screw?
It's time for a glass of white, dry.

Alex Forster

Whilst at home, all alone, I re-try
New attempts at my home DIY
I’m not the best masturbator
So I bonked the insinkerator
And now I’m no longer a guy

Andrew Drummond

Whilst at home all alone,I re try
New attempts at my home DIY
I've painted doors and the ceiling
And now I am feeling
So tired as I sit here and sigh

Aimi Percival

DAY 6 (24/3/20)

And the winners are...

I’ve finished the can of sardines

And other canned goods like baked beans

We’re low on food

And in a bad mood

And sat in front of our screens!

(Hannah aged 10)

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods, like beans. 
But the gin is still flowing 
And laughter is growing 
So it's not quite as bad as it seems.

Amanda Reddish

I’ve finished the cans of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans.
There’s nowt in the larder;
It’s getting much harder. 
The next to digest is my jeans!

Neil Rutherford

I’ve finished the cans of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans.
Please send me some others,
(I’m eating my brothers - 
At least I’m stocked up with proteins!)

Neil Rutherford

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods like baked beans. 
If you’re smelling my fart,
We’re not far enough apart,
So get back in your quarantine.

Andrew Drummond

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods like baked beans. 
I’ve now eaten my partner,
He was a great starter,
‘‘Tis a shame he’s so slender and lean.

Alex Forster

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods, like beans. 
The freezer is empty,
The cupboard is bare
But my bum’s looking great in my jeans. 

Caroline Reddish

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods like baked beans. 
I'm now licking my lips
At my dog while he kips
Don't worry I won't that's obscene?

Daniel Fanning

I’ve finished the cans of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans
I’m still in the truck
And with any luck
Tesco’s won’t restock until morning.

Ben Cutler

I’ve finished the cans of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans
Tonight's chicken dinner
Will be a good winner
It's not quite as bad as it seems...

Aimi Percival

I’ve finished the can of sardines 
And other canned goods like baked beans 
We’ll all be much thinner
For eating less dinner 
Might not be a bad thing it seems !

Keryle Rutherford

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods, like baked beans,
I’ll go to the shops
And explain to the cops
My beans are a necessary means!

Ali Bendall

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,
And other canned goods, like baked beans, 
The cat looked quite good,
But had to be chewed,
And there’s fur all over my jeans!

Ali Bendall

 I’ve finished the can of sardines 
And other canned goods like baked beans 
My stomach’s not quiet
What is this new diet?
It’s called 'Get lean in quarantine!'

Laura Balcombe

I’ve finished the can of sardines 
And other canned goods like baked beans
I’ve just made our tea
From an egg and one pea,
Can’t wait till they make the vaccines! 

Christina Helen Pye

I’ve finished the cans of sardines,And other canned goods, like beans. 
correct ' if im wrong
dog food has a pong
But it's not quite as bad as it seems.

Nuno Queimado

I've finished the can of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans
My cupboard's so full
I should go on the pull
And find someone to share my Peek Freans!

Jane Kersley

 I've finished the cans of sardines
And other canned goods, like baked beans
But now it's no joke
My tin opener has broke
I ain't been this thin since my teens!

Rachel Chalkley

DAY 5 (23/3/20)

Tonight everyone's a winner!

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes,
Stop being a bore 
And get out the door
To walk off those aches and those wheezes!

Ali Bendall

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
The coughs and the wheezes
Shall soon enough leave us
Then nothing but sunshine and squeezes!

Simon Beck

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes,
The weather is hotter; 
I need a fly swatter.
Let’s hope that the fresh food still freezes.

Neil Rutherford

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes,
But stay out of the parks,
Find alternative larks
Instead stay at home with your tweezers.

Adrian Smith

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
So just enjoy the sun
And Let's "get it done"
It'll be over before all freezes

Daniel Fanning

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
When covid is done
It’s on with the fun
Perhaps before hell over-freezes?!

Ali Bendall

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
The flowers are blooming
Though the virus is booming
But It ain’t gonna bring us to our kneezes

Nicky Adams

A beautiful day really pleases,
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes,
From within the bedroom 
Comes a new baby boom
From far too many hugs and squeezes!

Ali Bendall

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
That vitamin D
Is useful to me
To avoid the corona led wheezes

Helen Power

A beautiful day really pleases
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes
Boris said stay at home
So try not to moan
And stop spreading Covid diseases

Aimi Percival

A beautiful day really please,
Despite all the sniffles and sneezes,
But I’m still going to school,
It’s really not cool,
Get me outta here Jesus!

Andrew Drummond

DAY 4 WINNER (22/3/20)

Some mothers are stuck on their own;
Mother’s Day now means kisses by phone.
At 12, Truly Andrews online
For a Lovely Old Time
Making sure you don't feel all alone 

Aimi Percival

RUNNERS UP

Some mothers are stuck on their own; 
Mother’s Day now means kisses by phone.
I need ruby shoes
To conquer these blues,
There really is no place like home! 

Ali Bendall

 

Some mothers are stuck on their own
It's unhealthy, so studies have shown
So, to make them feel frisky
Just tell them the whiskey
You hid is right next to the phone 

Nick Barclay

Some mothers are stuck on their own;
Mother’s Day now means kisses by phone.
You’ve FaceTimed, then Skyped
With Messages Typed,
She’d rather you left her alone! 

Ali Bendall

Some mothers are stuck on their own;
Mother’s Day now means kisses by phone.
So stay far away
On this mother's Day
Or you may just end up alone 

Daniel Fanning

DAY 3 WINNER (21/3/20)

We're constantly washing our hands.
At the same time we're checking our glands.
All this Lady Macbeth-ing 
Is very deprething,
And manhandling your glands should be banned. 

Graham Lappin

RUNNERS UP:

We’re constantly washing our hands,
At the same time we’re checking our glands,
I call up my besties,
To check my prostate and testes,
And then my erection stands. 

Andrew Drummond

We’re constantly washing our hands 
at the same time we’re checking our glands 
The sun is still shining and yet we are pining 
For slackening of our waist bands. 

Caroline Reddish

We're constantly washing our hands.
At the same time we're checking our glands.
To relieve the frustration
I dress as a Matron
And self-flagellate with elastic bands 

Adrian Smith

We’re constantly washing our hands
At the same time we’re checking our glands
With dog walking and cleaning
And baking and weeding
You can’t say my life is now bland 

Nicky Adams

We’re constantly washing our hands,
At the same time we’re checking our glands.
My love life is hindered
So I’m back in tinder
But I can’t even have one night stands! 

Ali Bendall

We're constantly washing our hands
At the same time we're checking our glands
If you're freelanced you're screwed
To the TV we're all glued
As MPs keep their heads in the sands 

Daniel Fanning

We're constantly washing our hands
At the same time we're checking our glands 
There's no paracetamol 
Binge shoppers have ate 'em all 
Along with the pasta and cans 

Louise Balcombe

We’re constantly washing our hands 
at the same time we’re checking our glands 
But don’t be too sad
As it isn’t too bad 
When the doc puts their hands on THOSE glands. 

Carl Rutherford

We're constantly washing our hands.
At the same time we're checking our glands.
Trying to have more sex
But run out of Durex
So using clingfilm and rubber bands! 

Melissa Wildey

And an extra one for Ali Bendall which I like..

We're constantly washing our hands.
At the same time we're checking our glands.
And if you are not,
You deserve to be shot,
Just think of the Grandads and Grans! 

DAY 2 WINNER (20/3/20)

The schools are beginning to close, 

and we cant go and see any shows. 

While they get better in China

I’ve resorted to Grindr

Through my letterbox I’m giving

cheap blows!

(Samuel. J. Holmes)

RUNNERS UP:

The schools are beginning to close, 
and we cant go and see any shows. 

Except for here in Australia,
Where the government’s a failure,
So we don’t have precautions like those.

(Andrew Drummond)

The schools are beginning to close, 
and we cant go and see any shows. 
As life starts to harden, 
I'll perform in my garden, 
let's start with Anything Goes

Laura McHugh)

The schools are beginning to close,
And we can’t go and see any shows,
Weeks trapped in our houses,
With kids and our spouses,
Corona’s the least of our woes!

(Christina Helen Pye)

The schools are beginning to close,
And we can’t go and see any shows, 
The weather is bad, 
It’s driving us mad,
But we’ll party when Corona goes. 

(Written by Hannah age 10)

The schools are beginning to close, 
And we can't go and see any shows. 
Now they're closing the clubs, 
Hot tubs, saunas and pubs.
How long will it last? No one knows.

(Neil Rutherford)

The schools are beginning to close, 
and we can’t see any shows, 
joe wicks is providing, 
PE to prevent sliding, 
our bellies into balloons we suppose.

(Caroline Reddish)

The schools are beginning to close
And we can't go and see any shows
But there's so much online
Get your chair, grab the wine
All set for Wind in the Willows

(Debora Milton)

And two late entries from Australia

There once was a bat in Wuhan,
Who infected an innocent man.
And now President Trump
Takes a f$@king great dump
On the Chinese whenever he can.

(Doug Hansell)

The schools are beginning to close
And we can't go and see any shows
But to entertain y’all,
There’s still Aussie Rules Football!
A real kick in the teeth but wtf, CARN THE CROWS!

(Ian Stenlake)

DAY 1 WINNER (19/3/20)

A virus called Covid-19,
Descended upon us unseen,
With a cough and a fever,
To wither your beaver,
You’d best make a breathing machine. 

(Gareth Valentine)

RUNNERS UP:

A virus named Covid 19

Descended upon us, unseen

From a bat it transferred

Via bite, or a turd

And now everyone else is unclean

(Adrian Smith)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us, unseen.
It struck to the bowels,
We had no paper towels!
Lets pray for a swifty vaccine

(Jake Skinner Guy)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us, unseen.
Boris says we're ok
if we all stay away from 
the pub - to be honest - not keen! 

(Jane Kersley)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us unseen
No woman or man
Will dare shake your hand
Cos nobody knows where you've been. 

(Kevin Moorcraft)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us, unseen.
finish it off...? you hope
With soap on a rope
Try a new hand job routine 

(Russell Labey)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us unseen
... with shock and with gall
It worried us all 
And some poor folk even turned green! 

(Simon Beck)

A virus called Covid-19,
Descended upon us unseen,
Mr Mainwaring said “Don’t panic!”,

but everyone went manic!

And caught it, tho’ with arses pristine!

(Ian Stenlake)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us, unseen.
We were barely prepared
Our germs we all shared
And then we all were unclean.
(Chris Fung)

(there was more but then it wouldn't be a true limerick! Sorry Chris)

A virus named Covid 19
Descended upon us unseen
Even Tom Hanks and Idris,
Couldn't escape this
So they're in Hollywood quarantine.

(Debora Milton)

A virus named Covid-19,
Descended upon us unseen,
With stock market plunges,
And no stock of sponges,
History will judge it obscene.

(Troy Wilkie)

A virus named Covid 19,
Descended upon us unseen,
We all stayed indoors,
Finally completed those chores,
The earth has never looked so clean

(Daniel Fanning)

A virus named Covid-19
Descended upon us unseen,
This morning I woke
With a frog in my throat,
So now we’re both in quarantine.

(Ali Bendall)